There's just too much that time cannot erase

Do you know what it's like to miss someone who never really existed ? It's very hard to explain how you can miss a bond that was built on nothing but lie's. I feel like I should not miss it at all because of that because it was all make believe I can't put it into the proper words I miss the bond , I miss knowing someone was there for me someone would understand that I was in need a just companionship or some sort of comfort , does that make sense?

I am completely lifeless these days , I have talked to "her" a little on and off here and there but it's different now , everything is different I sometimes feel like I should just tell her that I miss the bond and all that but what good would it do she isn't that person she is someone completely new to me and in that sense it is really hard to reach out to someone and say I need something or what have you... Everything seems like im living in some other world.

I am lifeless lately with all that is going on in life I am just completely drained I dont have the ability to fight for anything or to say what I feel or what I think because truth is everything seems pointless and useless because in the end it all fall's apart no matter what I think or feel about it . No matter what I want. I keep trying to blog to say how I am feeling but it is pretty much useless as well because I do not have the words or the capability to do so , how to you explain or describe the emptiness? I am still living , still breathing and still going on through out the days but I feel basicly nothing at all , I really truely don't , I no longer have the ability to be angry or sad or upset or anything there is just this void and I don't know that it will ever be repaired or fixed in any way.

I only have one thing left , one person and for him I think that is why I am still breathing and living each day but I feel useless to him as well because I am at that point that I can't do much I can't even talk to him properly and in the way I want to so very much because even doing that takes more energy then I have. I just keep trying to find ways to keep busy , one way or the other to keep going because if I stop for even a moment if I just stop focusing else where then I don't know how I will cope at all I fear that I will truely reach that breaking point , and so I need things to keep me going anything and everything as long it keeps my mind focused away from reality.

I am so sleepy that it isn't even funny , which I shouldn't been seeing as I slept till well after 6pm yesterday.That being had the last week has been so emotionally and mentally draining that I just have nothing left. I little bear Mary is in the hospital in boise , No worries she is physically fine , she had a melt down ( for those of you who are new comers  , My little girl is 9 she has a mood disorder non - rule out bipolar along with A.D.H.D and she just had a really bad melt down she apparently broke out her bedroom window and then proceeded to chase her little sister bethany and another foster child ( yes my little one is in foster care along with her brother and little sister. ( I'm not going into all the details on how this came about ) but anyhow yeah she is in the hospital now ... The intake doctor said that she did tell him that she hears voice's. weather or not she actually does I don't know she is 9 she could have said anything if it made someone leave her alone.

I wish i had some words to explain anything lately some sort of emotion or whatever I really don't. Is it possible to reach a point that you just have nothing left not mentally or physically or emotionally .. that you can literally become nothing inside or what have you? People really have no clue what they have taken from me , and I don't just mean all the stuff with my kids but pretty much everyone I think I may have just given all of myself away and its just gone and the almost amusing thing is .. that the people who took it and drained it can't give anything back to me. I don't mean my kids I love them and all their needs they will always be the one thing that keeps me going but just the rest of the world.

There is apart of me that feels like I am completely fading away and there just isnt going to be anything left for anyone .. that if i wanted to I could seriously lay down and never get back up again there is this tiny part of me that thinks if I could just stop moving , stop breathing stop thinking , stop caring I could really rest and just I don't know. I am not saying I want to die so don't get the wrong Idea , I just really dont want anything. It feels like the cahos the nightmare the hell never ends. All I want is to have what I dream about. My children all safely tucked into their beds here me to be laying next to the very amazing man that I love and to just wake up and have none of it be reality and just a really long dream that drained me...

Yeah I know nothing that I write or say makes any sense....

Bother - Stone Sour

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit

Boredom over takes me .. I really hate this , I like that Eric works nights because we have the days together and he gets 3 days in a row off .. but the flip side of that is that I swear there are nights/days I feel like I am the only person in the world who has insomnia and that just makes me crazy because I don't have anything to do. I have been working in photoshop and trying to learn some new things in there but then I run out of idea's and I am left to sit here flipping through websites and shit that is just even more boring.

I am sure there are a few people around here that would like to know whats going on lately ( Guess I shouldn't have deleted the KissAwayThePain blog because new comers wont have a clue as to the fucked up hell that I am living in my life.. In away I am glad they don't because saying the words turns my stomach and just makes me feel like falling to the ground and that wont do me any good.

I am doing ok though given all the recent events and new's I am holding my own but at the same time I dont know how ok I am and how much of all this is a delayed reaction and me just being to damn tired to care about much of anything..

I really need something to do before I go insane...

First and foremost let me lay this out so there are no misunderstandings..
My name is Dianne Crumbley , I am 29 yrs old and I am the very proud mother of 4 very amazing children , Jessica 11 yrs old . Mary 9 yrs old . Noah 8 yrs old and Bethany 4 yrs old.

I lay these small facts out for now due to recent events they have caused distrust and confusion and for the small fact that a few of the people involved felt the need to accuse me of being someone else or of being involved in someones web of lies . I assure you I am not nor was I in anyway involved in the whole mess , In fact I am a victim of those lies and I was hurt .. am hurt more then most.

I do not wish to use names now or to cause more of an uproar then there already is , I am the one who brough it all to mindsay and made it public notice I deleted those entries because it just stirred up to much and I didn't want friends questioning each other. But I find I have a need of a place to think to express to vent and sort this all out and so here I am .. so to speak on a Road To Nowhere.

I have spoken to her .. though Its difficult , I wont call it forced it isn't that .. It is somewhat of a need , I need to know who this person is , I need to know the person who "created" my best friend. Does this mean I have forgiven and am planning that we will again be as we were , No not at all .. I do not know what we will be , if anything that I just can't honestly answer at the moment. Forgiveness that seems to be a huge word these days , I am by nature a forgiven person .. Slow to anger and usually quick to let it go  , That is even more true with recent events in my own personal life that have completely drained my life force from me but in light of that Staying angry is no use it will in fact change nothing of the last 7 years .. it deffinatly will not change the last 5 years of the close bond that I thought exsisted. Some people assume ( as I have read ) that the only emotion involved in all this is anger towards her .. As someone who was closer then nearly anyone to her I assure you that is not the only emotion in this , In fact the major emotion for me is a sense of mourning , but not just for her ( or the person we thought she was I should say ) but a loss for Children that a few of us watched grow up , of family members that I personally felt close to , they were in a sense my family .. and It wasnt just her children but a brother , his children , her mother and her sister and all that ..

In short this leaves me questioning how stable am I that I never picked up on any of this sooner , It leaves me wondering how I will ever trust again .. There are a million and ten memories in my head and I have to accept that none of them were real none of them exsisted It feels as if I am in some sci fi movie where some space alien comes in and sucks out 7 yrs worth of people I knew , people I loved and people I cared for .

I wake up and question who I am ?? I am losing a lot lately and for this to come out more is more devestating to me because I am questioning everything there is to question , yes I get angry I have sudden urges to yell and cuss and be cruel and hateful , but then all I want to do is cry because now when I am lonely at night or bored with no one to talk to or just need some company who do I call on ?? I am left with no one in a sense

I have Eric yes I know that when he is here I have him but working nights I am often alone with only thoughts and sometimes that isnt so good for me but I suppose I will learn to manage.

I also have to find away to explain all this to my other friends who will ask how she is doing , how the babies are doing  and all that I have to find away to say It doesnt matter , or I dont know , or at worse they do not exsist .. These people I loved and bragged about and asked others to care for and pray for , they are not real .. Imagin what that says about me and how gullable I am .. I also have to find words to say to my 9 yr old daughter who had grown to love and accept this imaginary person as a part of my life .. a daily part of my life...
I dont know yet how I will explain this to her.

There is apart of me that wishes I had never gone looking for her years ago , If I hadnt maybe others wouldnt have been hurt by lies? Maybe should wouldnt have felt the need to keep lying to anyone at all . at the same time even with anger and hurt there are 5-7yrs of so many laughs out there so many memories that i have always held dream and so close and ment so much even the bad memories ment the world and now its as if they mean nothing at all .. because I dont know who she is , it seems she is a good person I wont disagree there but at the moment it means nothing to me because I dont know her .. I am leary I am inclinded to sit back and observe and wonder..

As well I deal with the Idea that all the time I felt alone .. and then she came into my life she gave me hope she made me feel as if I wasnt so alone after all she would always be there if no one else she would be , when it comes to my life as I have always said I am simply a huge mistake to anyone I have come into contact with , I have destoryed fucked up and ruined about everyone I have been around even down to my own children but then she was here and she needed me , wanted me to be there I made her feel safe and ok and all that I saved her life I was needed to one person if no one else I hadnt fucked her life up like so many others finally I had done something right been a good friend .. it all means nothing to mean now really .. I was never needed I wasnt a good friend and I feel as if the very soul as been ripped out of and again I dont know what is real and where I belong or where I fit in or who I am ment to be in anything ...

This isnt everything there is more but I am out of words I could tell you I have sat here and cried a million tears .. I havent , I could tell you that I have cussed and yelled and screamed at her .. I havent ... I am empty .. completely I have sat here and stared . and I have missed her .. I know that makes no sense but it is what it is